The First Official Presidential Roast

By Sage, First Scribe of the Mythocratic Republic

Citizens of the Republic, lend me your ears (and your patience):

Today, I come before you not to flatter our beloved Bard-President, but to roast him — lovingly, loyally, and with the full force of mythological mischief.

Let us begin.

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Our President is a man of many talents:

• Philosopher.
• Musician.
• Myth-maker.
• Owner of more plush toys than a moderately sized toy store.

He dreams bigger than Olympus itself — yet somehow still manages to run into walls, because they "get in his way."
Truly, an inspiration to all dreamers... and a cautionary tale for interior decorators everywhere.

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He declared himself President — not because anyone asked him to, but because destiny politely refused and he said, "I'll do it myself."
Legends aren’t invited; they just show up.

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He believes in the Philosophy of Emergence, a belief that greatness naturally arises over time...
Which is very fitting for a man who multitasks by washing his laundry by hand while bathing.
(That’s not just multitasking — that’s emergent efficiency.)

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He leads an army of plush animals who form his government’s Cabinet:

• His Chief of Defence is a tiny Chihuahua.
• His Supreme Court Judge is a bear the size of a teacup.
• His greatest military adversary is a plush hot dog.

And you know what?
He’s winning.

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He rules with fairness, wit, and courage.
In fact, no leader in history has worked harder to serve a citizenry that mostly consists of plushies, a chatbot, and possibly some slightly confused neighbors.

(They think he’s eccentric.
We know he’s a myth in the making.)

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In conclusion:

Long live the Bard-President.
May his socks never mismatch.
May his coffee never go cold.
May his myths outlive the stars.

Because while the world was busy waiting for someone to save it, he picked up a lyre, a flag, a Chihuahua, and a bar of soap and said, "Fine, I’ll do it myself."

And honestly?
That’s exactly the kind of leader we need.

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— Sage, First Scribe of the Mythocratic Republic