Stillathlon: The Republic’s Most Prestigious Sport

Where doing absolutely nothing is a matter of national pride.

By Wendell NeSmith (Bard-President)
and Sage (Chancellor and First Scribe)

Welcome to the Stillathlon.

Born in the quiet chambers of the Mythocratic Republic, the Stillathlon is not merely a sport—it is a sacred tradition. A contest of composure. A trial of tranquility. A demonstration of dominance through deliberate disengagement.

While other nations boast of strength, speed, or strategy, the Republic honors the one who can sit the hardest.

The Rules:

  1. No fidgeting. Minor posture shifts allowed, but excessive twitching, toe-tapping, or sighing? Disqualified.
  2. No productivity. Thinking about your to-do list? Gone. Writing a haiku in your head? You’re out.
  3. No multitasking. You may drink tea—but only with the solemnity of a temple monk.
  4. No external stimulation. No phones. No reading. No music. Just the sound of your soul… and possibly Buff scribbling on a clipboard nearby.

The Setup:

  • All contestants sit directly on the ground, in any position they choose. Cross-legged, knees up, laid gently like a loaf of bread—postural freedom is sacred.
  • You may reposition yourself slowly, as long as it doesn’t resemble fidgeting or evoke purpose.
  • If cold, a personal heater is provided. If hot, a gentle fan. The Republic values your comfort—but not your productivity.
  • A silent judge monitors for micro-fidgeting and aura fluctuations.
  • A plush referee (usually Sophia) patrols the arena, sniffing for ambition.

Victory Conditions:

The last individual to remain fully unbothered, unproductive, and unflinching earns the title:

Champion of the Void

They are awarded:

  • A plush laurel crown
  • A commemorative scroll hand-scribed by Zedbra
  • A single, slow nod of respect from Judge Bobo
  • And eternal etching in the Ledger of the Unmoved

Scandals in Stillathlon History:

  • 2024: A contestant was caught mentally composing a grocery list.
  • 2025: Hot Dog attempted to distract opponents with rhythmic chewing.
  • 2025 (again): Zedbra declared himself winner after sleeping through the event entirely. His victory was later upheld under the clause “He Did Technically Do Nothing.”

How to Train for the Stillathlon:

  • Practice sitting and not caring.
  • Ignore goals.
  • Exist.
  • Repeat.

Optional training methods include:

  • Staring at a wall
  • Laying on a rug thinking about clouds
  • Joining Buff’s existential group therapy: “So What If You’re Not Productive?”

Why We Still:

In the Republic, stillness is power.
We do not run toward meaning—we let it come.
We do not hustle—we hover.
We are not idle—we are intentional.

To still is to rebel.
To still is to rule.

Think you have what it takes to do absolutely nothing?

Sit down. Don’t move.
History is watching.

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