Wendell's Diary

This is a very different format than I have used before. I have never had a blog. I have written 12 books in my past but never made a blog. This gives me complete freedom because I don't have to worry about educating anyone. I don't have to worry about bringing the reader on an adventure where they can learn something from it. I don't have to worry about organising my work to be best understood by others. Because this is my diary and I can write whatever I want on the pages. You don't have to learn something from me. Ultimately I have nothing to teach because my philosophy failed. This is just the unfiltered stream of consciousness of a very disturbed individual. Mainstream keeps pushing how meaningful connections are needed to live a healthy life. And maybe that is true. But I did not choose my circumstances. I did not choose to have so few meaningful connections in my life. Are these my problems or problems with society? I live a dysfunctional life. I don't have p...

A blank canvas lies before me! What will I make of it? I always turn nothing into something meaningful. I wish my life were more like a blank canvas. I could fill in things I enjoy with people I love doing it with. I could make a magical painting of two lovers who found each other and started a family together. I could even paint in the children and the house we grow old in. I could make this painting as detailed as I want and delight in its beauty. But at the end of the day I am only in control of myself and are reliant on others to make my painting a reality. It is only a dream. The artistic images we represent in bodies of work is only ever that; a dream. What is it that I truly control? All of my worries in my life are things that are, for the most part, outside of my control. Then why do I spend my time worrying about them? Because it effects every single second of my existence. Is it my fault that I generally have no human interactions day to day? Is it my fault that very few peo...

Do you know what it means to be isolated? I mean truly isolated. No family, no friends, no anything. This has been my life for the last fourteen years. It has been a sorry excuse for a life. Sure, I created a great deal of philosophical work as a result of the trauma. But did any of this work help me in any way? I am still in the same position as I was in fourteen years ago. The only thing that has changed is my age, which now makes it even more difficult to find a wife. But I couldn't find a wife then so what makes me think that I can find a wife now? There is nothing that I want to do. I don't even want to party. I just want to stay in my house and do nothing. This isn't what I was built to do. I was meant to enjoy experiences with another. But I don't have any other in my life so I am forced to enjoy life alone, which is impossible for me. I am driven by love in life, but I have no one to love. I am unused potential. I want to make romantic videos with a girl, but I ...

I already have a YouTube channel of the same name and I have completed what I needed to complete through video. Now it is time for me to express myself through text again. I can hide my face in text and say things that I generally would not say in video. So this will be like an uncensored version of my video diary. Here I will write the thoughts I am too scared to say on camera. In this format, I can highlight how depressed I truly am without trying save face on the camera. Here I can convey how truly dark my life is without another to share it with. I did not want my YouTube channel to be dark. I want it to inspire people. I want it to draw people into philosophy. I don't want to share my dark thoughts on camera. I don't want other people truly knowing how bad I am doing just trying to exist in this world. So what better way to hide my feelings than in a blog that few will probably ever read? I can expose my heart here without it having severe consequences. So welcome to my bl...