a goal worth failing

A blank canvas lies before me! What will I make of it? I always turn nothing into something meaningful. I wish my life were more like a blank canvas. I could fill in things I enjoy with people I love doing it with. I could make a magical painting of two lovers who found each other and started a family together. I could even paint in the children and the house we grow old in. I could make this painting as detailed as I want and delight in its beauty. But at the end of the day I am only in control of myself and are reliant on others to make my painting a reality. It is only a dream. The artistic images we represent in bodies of work is only ever that; a dream.

What is it that I truly control? All of my worries in my life are things that are, for the most part, outside of my control. Then why do I spend my time worrying about them? Because it effects every single second of my existence. Is it my fault that I generally have no human interactions day to day? Is it my fault that very few people in this world care about me? If I suddenly died, no one would notice. And my poor dog would be locked up in a house with a dead person. What an awful situation. No one checks up on me so it could happen.

I am a very lonely individual. I have been hurt by many people. I wear my heart on my sleeve and that has not helped me in life. I am uncomfortable around people and that causes me to spend all of my time alone. I hate my time alone because I have nothing to do. I want to spend my time making videos to the girl I love, but she is only a figment of my imagination.

Real girls rarely show any interest in philosophy. The ones who do usually get roped into feminism. It is time to accept defeat and understand that it is almost certain that I will be spending the rest of my life alone. What I want is a fiction. It doesn't exist in reality. And I am just a freak occurrence. But I am a freak occurrence that occasionally happens in society. I am male. Sometimes males get obsessed with philosophy. Never in history did two philosophers live happily ever after together. I can't expect something that is not possible. Otherwise I am just going to continue to hurt until the day my heart gives out.

But do I want to stop being hurt? I cannot fathom a more beautiful nuptial than two beautiful philosophers having a family and making videos together. It is the highest form of man that I can conceive of. And I can accept nothing less than this. So in a way, I choose to be single because I can't accept anything less than a perfect relationship. But it is hard to live with this philosophy. Because you have to be alone. And you have to die alone. Which means your entire existence was pointless because all you ever cared about was love. And you failed. All because you couldn't accept second best. You failed because you wanted to be the winner.

I wanted to be a winner in life. But the stakes for this game were high. It was all or nothing. I could have received it all if I were only lucky. Playing games like these on platforms such as YouTube is always a gamble. My job was simple. Try to make philosophy engaging for our younger generations. Either I failed at doing that or algorithms were not inclined to favour my content. Either way, it failed and I failed to reach the hearts of our youth. No one even knows who I am. I am a ghost in a busy world. Everyone is to occupied to be able to see me. But I assure you that I exist. To what degree is yet to be determined but I won't leave this world without having tried everything that I can to make it a better place for all of us.