echo chamber

Do you know what it means to be isolated? I mean truly isolated. No family, no friends, no anything. This has been my life for the last fourteen years. It has been a sorry excuse for a life. Sure, I created a great deal of philosophical work as a result of the trauma. But did any of this work help me in any way? I am still in the same position as I was in fourteen years ago. The only thing that has changed is my age, which now makes it even more difficult to find a wife. But I couldn't find a wife then so what makes me think that I can find a wife now?

There is nothing that I want to do. I don't even want to party. I just want to stay in my house and do nothing. This isn't what I was built to do. I was meant to enjoy experiences with another. But I don't have any other in my life so I am forced to enjoy life alone, which is impossible for me. I am driven by love in life, but I have no one to love. I am unused potential. I want to make romantic videos with a girl, but I didn't know how hard that was going to be to find when I set out on the journey. Even if I could do it differently, I would not. I did everything right. At the end, I just couldn't find the girl.

I am going to turn 40 next year. Over the hill. And I think that is my time to accept defeat. A girl wanting to devote her life to philosophy would probably be young, and young girls generally are not looking for 40 year old husbands. But my last fourteen years was spent waiting for a notification on my phone, hoping every time it was my dream girl contacting me. But every notification lets me down. And now I receive so few notifications that checking these notifications is only a small part of my life. So what will my future be? If not waiting for people to contact me, how should I spend my time? I think that I should spend it writing out all of my frustrations in life.

I veered away from text based communication for a while. But I came back. There is just something about hiding my emotions in it, that makes me want to come back. And this is just a diary. It isn't anything serious. No one is going to take me seriously. Some things just shouldn't be spoken aloud. My video diary was way too personal. I said things in it that I should have reserved for text only. There is this battle between video and text and which one is superior. I think video is better but I don't want to consistently sob to the camera. That is why this diary was born! I can say all the things here that I couldn't on camera. Plus I don't want to appear as an attention seeker. But I am seeking attention because I receive none.

I walk aimlessly in life. I have no direction. I don't have anything to look forward to. No events to attend, no pubs to crawl. It is all meaningless without others to share experiences with. What is the point of my single solitary experience? What does it mean when the only one you spend time with isn't human? My dog is really cute. But what does it mean when all of my time is spent sitting on my chair doing nothing staring at my dog? There is nothing to look forward to. The happily ever after is a fairy tale and doesn't happen in real life. The sad truth is that you are stuck alone without anything to do or anything to look forward to.

Online dating is so hard. None of the girls I like ever like me back. It is weird because I choose girls with philosophy in their profile. So why wouldn't they want to talk to me? I am an attractive guy. But maybe my personality drives them away. Maybe they don't want someone so passionate about philosophy. Or maybe they wouldn't like making videos so they don't bother. No matter what the case is, I fail at online dating. I can never even find someone to talk to.

In life, I have a lot of free time. I do nothing with most of it. I used to make videos. And writing has been a way to pass time. Overall, I enjoy creative pursuits where I can make my thoughts and ideas somewhat tangible. I have always been fascinated by articulating abstractions. The way the mind works and how a stream of thought is developed. How I can use various styles to convey a point. How I don't even have to use complete sentences to convey my messages. How language works and how you can stretch its potential. How I can convey feelings by choosing the appropriate next word.

Why would one read this? This is just an individual's struggles with life. What potential benefit could it offer anyone, much less society? This diary has no desired audience. It is just me screaming my hurts into an echo chamber. I don't really think I want anybody reading this. This isn't to say that if you are reading this then you are not desired. If you can somehow get joy out of reading my life failures, then go for it. After all, you are a sick and twisted person. Just like me.