I give up

This morning I woke up to a DDOS attack against me on Discord. The attackers created thousands of group chats, all of which I was required to close individually. It took me about five hours to close all of my group chats. I deleted a few "friends" off my list who appeared to be responsible for the attacks. It was strange because I wasn't friends with anyone in the group chat. I am not sure how they did this. But they did. And if this happens regularly then I will no longer be able to use Discord. The haters ruin my contact methods all of the time. I might have to become uncontactable. Maybe it was a mistake to start vlogging in the first place. I have become a target simply for trying to share my life with others. It isn't fair. I just wanted to help philosophy thrive in the world. Why are there so many haters? Why do the haters far outweigh the true fans?

I wanted to encourage other people to philosophically document their own lives in video format. But doing this causes people to stalk and harrass you. Maybe I should not be trying to encourage other people to follow my path. We have seen what happens when you do this. The few people that I reach is not worth enduring harassment on a daily basis. The people responsible for the attack knew me from my old work. They revealed my address to me. They even ordered pizza on my behalf that I now have to wait until they are open to cancel. They told me that this was just the beginning. What can a group of people do to me that know my full name and address? I went to the police and told them what happened. They created a file for me that I can keep them updated with. The police can't really even help with this. Because Discord is an American company and they don't have access. But at least the file has been created.

Because of many creepy stalkers, I have stopped creating work. My efforts result in me being harassed. There have been so many DDOS attacks against me over the last few months. I have wasted countless amounts of time trying to undo what these stalkers do to me. I am rebooting my life. All of these efforts have backfired on me. I need to decide what is important in life. Is it making videos and writings for the public to experience? None of those things matter if my safety is at risk. I don't think Discord is a very safe platform. I have had so many problems with people on Discord. And Discord gives you no ways to report them. Discord is also open to attacks just by having a bad actor as your friend. I have to be really careful who I allow to be my friend because they could ruin my account. At first I thought Discord to be a good way to connect with others but after experiencing all of this, I think it just leaves me vulnerable to attacks.

First and foremost, what I value in life is safety and security. When my security is threatened, I am required to make changes to my life to try and avoid that. I couldn't find fame in this life but I could find infamy. Lots of people in this world hate me. All because I allowed myself to be vulnerable and open up to the public. And now I am coming to regret that decision. Because filming my life didn't find me many friends as I had hoped. And chasing after Ivory is only chasing a fiction. I need to stop. I need to stop sharing my life with the public. I think that I need to become a private person and just live out the rest of my life in peace. I thought that it would be a good idea to share my life publicly but I was wrong. I was not ready to deal with the consequences doing that incurred. Giving up on vlogging also means that I give up on Ivory. But at what risk to myself? No girl is worth the torture that my stalkers put me through.

Choosing to continue to vlog my life welcomes these creeps in. My choice is now. I don't like the outcomes of my work. I must stop my work. This isn't fun. I did not choose to be a victim of mass harassment. I did not think that it would get this bad. I knew being open would attract some haters. But it attracts many haters. Should I even continue this blog? Haters can use it to fuel the fire. But would they do that if I was merely writing? Vlogging makes you real vulnerable because it is your face speaking. Would haters be interested in my blog as well? Stalkers ruin it for everybody. I have to disappear in order to avoid them. Ultimately, I cannot be contactable. Doing all of this has made me question who I can and cannot trust. So many times have people come to me acting sincere yet all of the while having harmful intentions against me. Adding a friend on Discord means giving them the ability to perform DDOS attacks on you.

I need to just be happy with life how it is. So what, I failed to obtain my dreams. But at least I had dreams. It was an adventure, despite failing the quest. What life can I make for myself outside of YouTube? Is it even worth blogging? I don't want to give haters even more fuel for the fire. They have made my life miserable. They make me feel unsafe just existing. They leverage over me my past failures. They act like they have the ability to completely destroy my life and they are not completely wrong. But will stopping vlogging really be enough to stop them from harassing me? Just because I no longer make work doesn't mean that they won't still come after me. They are trying to make my life miserable. Is them doing that dependent on whether or not I make work? Have they just found a target and are planning the future? They told me that this was just the beginning. I had to cancel that pizza that someone ordered in my name. And they gave me no information that was useful regarding who might be behind this.

But it doesn't matter who is behind this. Because a lot of people are behind this. I can't chase after a lot of people. It doesn't matter who is harassing me because a lot of people are harassing me. I can't find a criminal because there are many criminals. It would be useless information if I knew who was doing it. This is a social issue. And society needs measures in place to protect people who are regularly harassed by the masses. These are no longer just trolls. They are breaking the law. I don't feel safe in this world. And this started to happen after I started to make work. It didn't matter if I made television shows, wrote books, vlogged, or blogged, the destination was always the same. Me fleeing from the results the work brought in. Maybe I was wrong about sharing your soul with the public. The public doesn't deserve my content. The public will not protect me. They have always been my problem in life. The masses. Together they do extremely horrible things.

The world I wanted is still as far away as the day that I started all of this. But I think that is my lesson. I should no longer chase after fairy tales. All of my life I have been trying to improve my world. But I have never managed to do that. Everything that I do always backfires on me. The reality that I wanted was not something that was obtainable by me. Everything that I have always wanted has always been out of my grasp. I could not have achieved my dreams no matter what I did. Building realities and communities was unsuccessful. And I was unable to inspire others to make vlogs themselves. And maybe that was a good thing. Because why would anyone else want this life? I did not know how this would result when I started. And starting Wendell's Diary gave me the opportunity to start fresh. But it resulted in the same way as my old work. So it was just not coincidence. Doing this in any format results in stalkers. It isn't worth it.

I am going to have to learn how to create a new life for myself. One outside of YouTube and Blogger. I need to learn how to entertain myself without being publicly exposed. I have a best friend now. That is all I need. The time for potential romances have passed. The idea was doomed for failure from the start. The only women I attracted were catfish. It is time to bury public Wendell. He could not withstand all of the hate. He wanted a peaceful life and could not obtain that on the Internet. So he withdrew even further from the world in which he lived. It is time to put my work to bed once and for all. It didn't work and it is time to move on with my life. I don't want to be harassed and I don't think there is any way to be an active content creator without being harassed. So I am making the decision to pull the plug and try and find meaning in other ways in my life. It sure was an adventure. But one that I am now too wise to repeat.