show closure

I am finished advertising for now. Advertising did not bring me the engagement that I so desire. What does a lot of subscribers mean when they do not watch your videos? But I guess it is a lot about the looks. I have a lot of subscribers even though they are really low quality. I would trade all of my subscribers for five subscribers who engaged with the content. Someone who subscribes to me but never watches my videos is not helpful to me. I don't care about the looks. I am trying to reach hearts. The YouTube algorithm hates me. I see much smaller channels than me get a great deal more views. When other people release videos, they usually reach people. Why do my videos get hardly any attention? I will never be able to monetise at this rate. Because I am reliant on the YouTube algorithm to propagate my content. And I will never get the watch hours because YouTube barely advertises my videos.

Everything is quiet. No one is contacting me. I have been bonding with a friend who has been around since the beginning of this channel and before. Our friendship started off very slowly but now we contact each other every day. I am very happy to be developing a friendship like this. He is thinking of starting his own blog and I am cheering him on. He learned about me from my old INFP channel. We are the same personality type. We get along great. He is searching for a wife and wants to travel to Southeast Asia to find her. It is really romantic. He is interested in the philosophy of science and math. A lot of what he explores I could never touch because I don't understand it. But maybe he can shed some light on these topics for me whenever he creates his blog.

How can I spend my free time? I have a lot of it and I pretty much don't do anything with it. How can I devote myself to the things in which I care about in life? Do all philosophers go through life without being able to find other philosophers? Is philosophy a solitary activity? Does reading a bunch of philosophical texts make me a philosopher? If I can't find living philosophers then am I destined to read the works of dead ones? I want philosophy to be a communal activity. Where people come together to share ideas. Why can't I convince other people to vlog about philosophy like I do? There are so many wasted minds in this world. People that could make something with their life if they only tried. They only need the proper guidance to become content creators of their own. But I seem to really suck at this because I can't find anyone else to do it with me. No idea why because it is really fun.

I haven't made a video in four days. I just have not been feeling it. My videos hardly reach anyone. What is the point? I don't have anything in which I want to say anymore. My advertising efforts have failed. Maybe this sort of content is just not attractive to the public. Maybe I should stop. Take a long break. Since I am unable to reach people this also means that I am unable to reach my soulmate. I am not growing as a channel. I would be surprised if most of the accounts that followed me are not bots. My subscribers don't engage with the content. Most of my comments are hateful. The few positive are not enough to encourage me to keep going. I think I am going to have to account this as another failure. Another thing that I tried that didn't work.

I love making videos but I want them to reach people. When they don't reach people then it was like the experience was pointless. Sure I make videos for me, but I don't need to use that method of expression to get what I need in life. I can express whatever I want here on my blog. And I don't care if people read it or not. Some reason I care very much if my videos do poorly. My videos are to try and connect with the public. They are not entirely for me like writing is. They are meant to be experienced communally. I failed to make that happen. Which also means that I failed to find a wife. But I don't need another to be happy in this life. I just thought it would be really cool if I could find her. But that didn't happen so I have to move on with my life and work with what I have. I now have a few close friends so I am no longer alone in this life. I think it is time to stop making videos, at least for a while.

I failed to convince anyone to make a vlog of their own. It has almost been a year since I started this channel. And even still many of my videos only get twenty or thirty views. And the watch time is very low so most of those views stopped watching shortly in the video. So most videos really only gets about five real views where they watch the entire video. That is not good progress for nearly a year's worth of work. Advertising did not help my watch time or find me subscribers that watch my content. I need to be honest with myself about the potential future of my channel. It doesn't need to stay alive. I can just express myself here. I don't need to record my face to document my thoughts and feelings. Just because I failed in my YouTube channel does not mean that this blog will fail. It can't fail because I do not expect to reach people through it. And only the few who read my blog will ever truly know what happened.

My YouTube channel is still my diary. It will not completely die. I can still make occasional videos updating with what is happening in my life, if anything. I will just give it a lot less attention. That doesn't mean that I will give this blog more attention. I need to figure out ways to spend my time enjoyably. Mostly now I just sit and do nothing. I don't like that. But no one is contacting me and I don't have anything meaningful to do. I wish there were more good TV shows that I could spend my time watching. The stuff that comes out these days is mostly terrible. There are few shows that offer philosophical insight. I like comedy but it has to be sophisticated. I don't like watching bad people do bad things. I want characters that have morals. I don't want to watch rubbish that teaches me horrible things. I failed to be my own entertainment because it was too strenuous on me. I could not obtain a complete entertainment solution just by watching my own work.

Video is the method that I use to try and change my life. But nothing that I have done has succeeded. I need to stop trying to change my life. My life is fine how it is. Sure it is boring, but besides that I live very comfortably. I have a few friends in my life who are awesome. I am sure that they will stick around even if I stop making videos. Why do I want to spend my life trying to entertain others? I had something to say but I said it all. I no longer have to keep on repeating it. The channel is built how I want it. The content on it accurately represents me. From here on out I have to be very careful to the content that I add to it. I don't want to lessen the impact of my previous words. More words will not better explain the emotions in which I processed on camera. Internally, I have accomplished what I wanted from the camera. I cannot live the YouTube life of constantly making new content.

What life is there for me to live today? A boring life with little human social interaction. But these things are not needed to live a good life. I have already done what was required to live a good life. I publicly justified my own life. I don't have to keep doing that. It is time for me to take what I can get in life, namely a few friends, and move on with my life. And moving on consists of giving up dreams of fame and as a result, wife. But I still have me in this life and a few close friends. I can just live out the rest of my life with this. It took me a long time to find these friends. Most of what I was finding was hate. I don't want to be the star of my own show anymore. My display is done. Besides finding a wife and community, I accomplished what I wanted from it. I got out my thoughts and feelings. It didn't feel good how the community reacted to me. But that is okay because I am a loner. All I need to be content is me. Whatever I need to get through to tomorrow is found within me and not on my channel.