lost to time

Should I continue writing? Are my stalkers watching my blog? If I were to continue writing, would that encourage stalkers to become active again? No longer showing my face protects me to some degree. Stalkers have always tried to get an emotional response from me in video format. But if I no longer do video but still write, will that protect me from stalkers? Anyways, it is different this time. Because I no longer have a way to be contacted. So what can the stalkers truly do? I am no longer using Discord. No DDOS attacks can be done to me anymore because I do not use methods of contact in which that can occur. So I need to assess the benefits of public writing and address whether it can be done in a way to keep me safe from monsters. They already have my address. They have already delivered many pizzas to me. But that has stopped and I don't want it to continue. What harm can haters truly do to me now besides sending me pizzas?

I no longer need to show my face. And I no longer need to obsess over things like love and philosophy. I need to reinvent myself outside of being a video producer. I put so much of my identity into being a philosophy content creator and what has it gotten me? I did not encourage others to do the same. I didn't encourage anyone to vlog or blog about philosophy. Why do I have this obsession with philosophy? It has never gotten me girls or helped me succeed in life. I am almost forty and I have just now started investing. Why didn't I start this when I was young? Why did no one show me how to do this a long time ago? My philosophy has been just to survive for so long. I never knew how to thrive. I lived in debt because that is how I was taught to live. Building myself up as a person financially was never something I could reach. But I am much more wise than I was as a child. I am learning to thrive and not just survive.

Every day I face an existential crisis. What am I to do with my time? What is meaningful? In myself, what is meaningful? Experiences lack the spice of life because my experiences are solo experiences. What does it mean to watch the sunset? What does it mean to watch the sunset with another? It is the same activity but they have completely different meaning. A life in solitude is a life of personal solo experiences. What is the point of going out alone, travelling places, and making new experiences of solitude? I would prefer to just stay in and do nothing. I know the truth. I know that my actions will not change anything. I am an observer on this planet and I can see the ultimate futility of my life. I know that I won't change anything. I know that when I pass that I will be forgotten. I know that I am not an active actor on this plane. My decisions will not leave a mark on society. I am just one individual who has failed to create any significant meaning in his own life.

To my dog, I am her whole world. I captivate her internal and external world. But dogs can be purchased. Humans have their own autonomy. They choose what they do and when they do it. It is very common for a dog to love its owner. It is much less common for one human being to love another. Love. Do humans even know the concept? They develop emotional connections that they come to rely on. They use each other to develop their own personal identities. They share moments in life that bring them closer together. The idea is beautiful. Share your life with another and you will no longer be alone. But finding someone suitable to be your mate is not always a simple solution. Some people are very different from the ordinary and these people can end up living unfulfilled lives because they have no one to share their experiences with.

What is it that I am truly doing with all of this? Is this philosophy? I have never seen philosophy like this. I am not an entertainer. I do not care if I entertain other people. This is merely my world view. My world view creates my reality and how I understand it. I am not doing research or other academic activities. I am just stating the world as I see it. And who is it for? It is not for you and it isn't really for me as I will forget about writing this. It is basically documentation left from my life. It is footprints left as a result of me existing. Does it have value? Probably not, but I don't care. It is the result of living a reflected life. It is what value I have been able to make about the world. Within the words hold my own value. But it is so elusive because there is no value inside my own existence outside of sharing those experiences with others. I am a failed philosopher because I failed to find meaning beyond oneself. And there is no meaning in oneself. Life only makes sense when we share our experiences with others. But I stand alone.

Shall I delude myself into believing that a single individual can create meaningful experiences independent of other people? What does it mean to cook food for yourself? What does it mean to cook food for other people? Meaning changes based on who experienced the events. I don't care about the sunset but maybe I would if I had another to experience it with. There is so much to life that I am missing because I have so few meaningful connections. Life just passes me by without making any memorable moments. I don't hold sentiments for life events because I experience them alone. But finding others to create memories with is not easy. Finding good souls who I would want to create memories with is the problem. There will always be an abundance of lower quality friends that will take advantage of you. It seems impossible to find people who will treasure your friendship. So it is their loss, and mine.

All I am in this world is a blip on the radar. I am unimportant to the operation of this world. Few people will ever read this. Even less will care. I don't care. So what, I never became famous. But if I became famous, how bad would the stalkers get? And what would I even be famous for? I have not done anything significant in life. I have been treading water for most of it. I have not found the secret to life. I have not found enlightenment. I have not been able to make my dreams come true. All of my positive thinking did not result positively. Now I just live. I spend a lot of time watching stupid television shows. My life still feels empty. It feels like I missed something in life. All this time chasing purpose left me without purpose. Purpose is so ethereal. It is something that you can't catch. It is not tangible. I have come to accept that I have no purpose. I am just a guy who is living until his body decides to stop living. I failed to find love in this life. And no matter how hard I try, I can't find meaning outside of love.

It will be difficult for me to completely stop content producing. I don't want to stop and I don't think that it is fair that I have stopped to try and avoid stalkers. I didn't do anything wrong and I enjoy digesting my thoughts here on my slice of the Internet. I can't let the haters win. So they lost the privilege of my face. But I still want to write. Even if my writing offers no benefits to the reader, I should still be allowed to write without being stalked. Maybe I should create another blog that isn't connected to me. I might do that if the stalking doesn't stop but I don't think that I should have to do that. I shouldn't have to create a new persona every time people stalk me. They shouldn't be stalking me. Why are they stalking me? What did I do wrong to them? Life isn't fair a lot of the time but we must fight for the causes we care about. So what if you won't make a difference. We are all so small in the scope of human existence. What is worthwhile is ultimately up to the individual.

We only have a certain amount of time here. The clock ticks away. We are all asked how we will spend our time. Choose wisely because this will provide you self identity. It ultimately does not matter how you waste your time. You will change nothing. One person is not significant to humanity as a whole. Your life ultimately means nothing. If you are one of the lucky ones, you can have a fulfilling social life. If not, your loneliness will guide you in life. You will understand the true meaning behind experiences. Experiences are meaningless. Humans assign meaning through shared experiences. But when you experience life alone, there is no meaning to be found. You just are. You were. And you will continue to be until you ceace to be. And then it will be like you were never there, the only remains being the footprints you left as a result of living. How you spend your time will determine how big those footprints are. And you will leave the world for better or worse and all of the experiences you had along the way will mean nothing. Because you, the originator of the meaning, will no longer be around to assign value to those experiences. There is no meaning to life. You make the meaning and then you die. And then there is no one left to uphold that meaning. We are all lost to time.