self love

What is there to do that is meaningful? As a single individual without people to spend time with, how am I supposed to spend my time? I have many stupid television shows to watch. But how does that add benefit to my life? I just sit here and contemplate what to do. Women are generally very active and don't want a life spent at home. Maybe I have nothing positive to offer a partner and that is why I remain alone. I don't have what the girls of this world want. But we are at an impasse because I don't want to fake who I am merely to attract a mate. No, I don't want to go on a date. I want to stay at home with my dog. You are welcome to join me in doing that. But there are no takers. What amuses me does not amuse the general population. I just want to talk. About life and its trials. I don't want to play this game where I act like somebody else merely in order to win your affection.

The kind of girl that I want is not out there. Everybody is too active with their lives. Nobody stops to assess the real situation. People are uncomfortable being reclusive. All I want is a lady that stays with me at home and talks with me about everything. That is my dream. I no longer have desires to travel. I have travelled too much in my life. I just want to settle down with a compassionate lady and have kids. I am missing family from my life. I have no family values because I have no family to speak of. I always wanted to have a family of my own. But the more time that passes the less of a likelihood that will be. So each and every day I must face the truth of my situation. I failed to find love and I failed to start a family. The two things that I care most about in life and I have not been able to make them a reality. I never got the opportunity to fall in love with someone who truly cares about me. And this makes me alone in life. I am the only one in this life that truly cares about me and that makes me sad.

There is no given meaning in life. It ultimately does not matter what I do. But what I want to do is a different story. I want to love and be loved. But there is no one to love and nobody has loved me for a very long time. It is time to accept that I don't have a people. I am a solo nomad on this earth. I have no tribe or people that I can relate with. I am just a subjective observer in a society that I can't understand. I don't even speak their language. My heart and soul are tied up in the problem of meaning and no one around me cares. The things that I value in this world are not the things other people value. I am a one of a kind. I make my own path. I am not apart of the collective identity. I am not like my peers. I broke the mould in the creation of myself which further isolated me from my peers. It made me unlovable. Unable to give love and never receiving it. Here I am at home, safe, and comfortable. Sure, I have nothing meaningful to do, but what can be meaningful alone by yourself?

It feels meaningful to write or make videos. I don't know why, but letting my soul be free to state the world as I see it feels liberating. I know so few people will ever see it. But just the fact that I created something from nothing is extraordinary. I am not piecing together external information. I am piecing together internal information. My existence supports the conclusions in which I arrive at. My battle with loneliness and the inability to find love brings these meditations to life. There is a deep dark sorrow in my heart and that fuels me to create more and more content. My damaged soul strives for something more than this world is offering me. The result is my world view painted onto the world. Whatever wisdom I might offer is conveyed through my disturbed distributions. I just want others to be able to learn through my experiences. The problem of meaning is not going to go away anytime soon so here are my conclusions after a lifetime of careful pondering.

There is so much time in life. Whoever says life is short doesn't live the same life that I live. There is an abundance of time and we are asked how we are going to spend it. Life is pretty hard when you have no idea what to do. The question is what can I do that is meaningful? Doing nothing is wasting the precious time that is given to you. But what is the alternative? Does doing things alone have value? I have to go shopping once or twice per week. I have to keep myself clean. I have to feed myself. But beyond these basic survival processes, what else is there that I can do with my time? I don't like going out because I have a dog that gets very lonely if I am not here. I am a very different person than when I was homeless. Upon finding a home, I spend most of my time there. I used to be transient. There was no home. Just places I visited. Being homeless took up most of my time just trying to survive. But now that I am well established, I have a great deal more free time. Always coming back to the question. What will I do with my time?

A romantic other would fix so many of my problems. Because I could dedicate my life to the other. Then I could stop focusing on myself and focus on another. It would be so cool to obsess over a girl who would give herself back in return. It is a much more fulfilling life focusing on other people. You run into problems when your life solely focuses on yourself. It is beautiful to give yourself to other people. But it is not beautiful to give yourself to yourself. You can't even do that. You are already yourself. Everybody is themselves. It is only honourable when you give yourself to another. Giving yourself to yourself is meaningless gibberish. One can't orientate a world around themselves. One has to orientate their world around others. Nothing makes sense without other people. Information is useless without shared comprehension. The world is not made for the individual but the individual for the world. A life of solitude is senseless. Wasted potential.

My life is so contradictory. Because I live a beautiful life. I am fed, housed, and able to financially support myself. I just feel that the experiences that I have alone have no lasting impression. It is meaningless. It is just time wasted. It is time that was not spent invested in another. How can we make memories alone? There is no point updating my profile picture because I still look the same. There is no point snapping a photograph of myself because there is nothing important to remember. Without another to share my life with, experiences feel empty. The self without another is an absurd notion. There is no one to make proud. No one to prove myself to. There are no expectations. I can be whatever I want. I am totally free. Those in relationships are slaves to their partner. But which is the better option? To be entirely free but unable to construct meaning or to be in bondage but create meaning with the one you love most in life.

What does it mean to love the self? Self love is not a virtue within our society. We strive to love others more than we love ourselves. It is noble for someone to sacrifice themselves for their spouse and children. But one can't choose to sacrifice themselves for themselves. This notion is absurd. What then is there to value within the self? One might value friends and family. These are entities outside of yourself. No one ever praises the fact that they are a person that is present. What one values in life is external of themselves. It comes from the internal but reflects on the external. What one has in life are all factors that are reliant on external conditions. We accumulate, sort, dispose, and acquire new methods of developing wealth. Wealth is not only financial but also relational. Someone who has a spouse and kids is considered more blessed than someone who can't find a partner. Someone in this life with a fulfilling family life is a lot better off than a rich tycoon without those things.

What can I do in solitude that is meaningful? Is it more meaningful to spend my time writing than watching stupid television shows? What activities are there in my life that are considered meaningful? What can I do that will add value to my future reflections? I am not a sentimental individual. But I want to be. I want to invest myself in someone else. There is only so much one can grow alone. It feels bad to be stuck in your own world. I lack the ability to form new memories because I have nothing meaningful to remember. Without others in your life it is very difficult to make memories. The days merge together. No day is different from another. There is nothing to look forward to. There is nothing to look back on. Life just continues as it always has. Conditions slowly improve as you individually build your life up. Surviving becomes easier as you get better at doing it. And you just ride the wave of life growing older and older. You were alone. You are alone. And you will always be alone. Because that is my place on this plane. Forever destined to walk alone.