Wendell's Diary

This morning I woke up to a DDOS attack against me on Discord. The attackers created thousands of group chats, all of which I was required to close individually. It took me about five hours to close all of my group chats. I deleted a few "friends" off my list who appeared to be responsible for the attacks. It was strange because I wasn't friends with anyone in the group chat. I am not sure how they did this. But they did. And if this happens regularly then I will no longer be able to use Discord. The haters ruin my contact methods all of the time. I might have to become uncontactable. Maybe it was a mistake to start vlogging in the first place. I have become a target simply for trying to share my life with others. It isn't fair. I just wanted to help philosophy thrive in the world. Why are there so many haters? Why do the haters far outweigh the true fans? I wanted to encourage other people to philosophically document their own lives in video format. But doing this ca...

I am finished advertising for now. Advertising did not bring me the engagement that I so desire. What does a lot of subscribers mean when they do not watch your videos? But I guess it is a lot about the looks. I have a lot of subscribers even though they are really low quality. I would trade all of my subscribers for five subscribers who engaged with the content. Someone who subscribes to me but never watches my videos is not helpful to me. I don't care about the looks. I am trying to reach hearts. The YouTube algorithm hates me. I see much smaller channels than me get a great deal more views. When other people release videos, they usually reach people. Why do my videos get hardly any attention? I will never be able to monetise at this rate. Because I am reliant on the YouTube algorithm to propagate my content. And I will never get the watch hours because YouTube barely advertises my videos. Everything is quiet. No one is contacting me. I have been bonding with a friend who has bee...

Everything has been quiet. A few nasty comments here and there but besides that, nothing. I don't know how effective this advertising is. Sure, I get subscribers. But I don't get subscribers who engage with the content. It isn't just about endlessly adding subscribers to your account. That is not the goal. I am trying to interact with people. And even though my subscribers keep adding up, it feels empty. Like this is just the appearance and not the true reflection. But if advertising is not achieving me my desired outcome, what else can I do? I want quality over quantity. But all I am receiving now is quantity. How do I find quality subscribers? How do I encourage them to be my friend? Hardly anyone contacts me. My life is so lonely. I have been playing around with Facebook. Been trying to post to philosophy groups. There are all of these tools available to me. Why do I struggle so much finding meaningful connections? Am I not using these tools right? There is my YouTube co...

I found a friend that wants to vlog his life like me. He also lives in Canberra. That gives us the possibility to collaborate with each other. He didn't even know that I lived in Canberra. He thought I was in Canada. But it turns out that he is right down the street. He is saving up for a camera. He seems like a really nice guy. I always enjoy finding new friends. And he wants to have fun making videos like me. So I can guide and direct him in his vlogging journey. I can answer any questions he has about how he could do it. Maybe this could turn into a real life friendship. I wasn't expecting to make real life friends by doing this, but I am open to whatever forms. Collaborating on a video in real life could be beneficial for my mental health. It could be a fun adventure. What is the point of time? My bedtime is 7pm and I wake up between 3-5am. Sometimes I cheat and go to bed a little bit earlier. But the truth is that it doesn't matter what time that I go to bed. All that ...

Sofia gave me a terrible video of her feet walking while mumbling something about philosophy. Catfish. I blocked her. Now that is over, what is the next thing? I really shot myself in the foot by shutting down the Discord server. Now my life is even more boring than usual. Forcing people to contact me through email allows me to easily pick and choose who I want in my life. The Discord server had mostly people who I did not want in my life. So it was a good decision even if much fewer people contact me. I have to protect myself against creeps some how. My email is my measure of defence. I can choose what to reply to. I don't owe anybody anything. If I am satisfied with what they have to say, then I will slowly allow them to become a more important part in my life. I can't just allow any random to intrude on my inner peace. Ever since I deleted my Discord server, it has been extremely quiet. No notifications. Nothing happening. No one contacting me. The days move slower than ever...

Sofia has been accused of being a catfish. She rejects this accusation despite evidence being provided. She is supposed to make a video for me today so I will find out soon if she is a catfish or not. I am tired of catfish. In my old work I was catfished by a stalker. They created the perfect woman for me to obsess over. Much like how Sofia seems too good to be true. I don't get girls who are interested in me. Only catfish. Fake people with identities built from the ground up to be my perfect image of a woman. Of course I am going to fall in love with a beautiful woman who acts like she is really interested in philosophy. That is what I want out of a woman. But the question is whether or not this woman is real or just the fabrications of a hater. The Internet is scary. There are people to take advantage of you every step of the way. Good job society. You created an anonymous Internet. Now you will reap those consequences. I just wanted it to be true so bad. Everything was perfect f...

I was the one who wanted to be a philosopher. And what does it mean to be a philosopher? Thinking. A lot of it. And that is my life, sitting here with nothing to do but a vast imagination to explore. My boring life is perfect for the profession in which I chose. It forces me to think critically of my own life. It faces me off with all of my deepest fears, mostly rooted in loneliness. My entertainment comes from myself so I have to keep making work to be entertained. Why should I complain about my boring life when that gives me all the time in the world to think? What to think about, now that is the question. What investments can help me grow as an individual? How can I be the best philosopher that I can be? I met a girl. She is 17 and completing her last year of high school. She seems to have a crush on me. Wouldn't a relationship like that be perfect? She isn't sure what she wants to do with her life and I have the opportunity to inspire her to become a philosopher. We could t...

I have inspired someone to make a blog documenting their life philosophically! I would prefer a vlog but a blog is good enough. That means that what I am doing is working. Because now I have another friend and he is now producing work that I can follow. This is a great sign. And my other friend still wants to make a vlog and a blog, he is just very slow about it. This is a good sign of what could be. If I just gathered a group of content producing friends together, then we could all entertain each other. We would also grow very close getting to know each other deep down. These are the types of friendships that I want in my life. If you care about meaning and creating meaning in your life, then you should also make a blog and a vlog and join us. It is really fun. Learning to express yourself brings joy to your life. And the friendships you make along the way will last a lifetime. A hater told me to get a haircut today. He said that long hair is only attractive on women. The only excepti...

I have been a vegetarian most of my life. But when I do that my blood always tests for low iron. I have been starting to eat meat occasionally now. I feel like I am getting my nutrition now. When I was vegetarian I often felt sickly. I still try to stay away from meats now but the options for meat eaters is vast. It is cheaper to be a meat eater. There is also a much greater selection. The selection for vegetarians at the store is not good. At least when I choose meat dinners I can have a diverse diet. When I was vegetarian I ate the same basic foods over and over again. I don't cook anything original. All of my meals are out of packets or frozen. I just have to follow the instructions. I don't want animals to die. But at the same time I want to be healthy. It is difficult being a vegetarian. Especially since there is so good of meat eater options. I am now secretly a meat eater. I don't want anyone seeing me eating an animal, so I do it in secret. I still value being respo...

Another day has started and I am out of ideas how to spend it. This happens every morning when the angst of my loneliness sets in. How will I survive another day of boredom? Do I have any good video ideas? Am I in a creative mood? Life really sucks when I am not feeling creative. My entertainment in life rides on me making myself entertainment. If I do not work hard to provide myself entertainment, then I will not be entertained. I will just sit here with nothing to do. How can I not find one meaningful source from a contactable individual? My favourite online philosopher has let me down and begun to spout philosophies that are harmful to the human population. He was the only online philosopher that I followed. And now I have lost respect for him. So besides news sources, I experience almost no external media. The philosophers that I want to follow don't yet exist online. I have to inspire them to exist. I have found no media in this world with deep meaning from people who are cont...