not like the others

I have been a vegetarian most of my life. But when I do that my blood always tests for low iron. I have been starting to eat meat occasionally now. I feel like I am getting my nutrition now. When I was vegetarian I often felt sickly. I still try to stay away from meats now but the options for meat eaters is vast. It is cheaper to be a meat eater. There is also a much greater selection. The selection for vegetarians at the store is not good. At least when I choose meat dinners I can have a diverse diet. When I was vegetarian I ate the same basic foods over and over again. I don't cook anything original. All of my meals are out of packets or frozen. I just have to follow the instructions. I don't want animals to die. But at the same time I want to be healthy. It is difficult being a vegetarian. Especially since there is so good of meat eater options.

I am now secretly a meat eater. I don't want anyone seeing me eating an animal, so I do it in secret. I still value being responsible for as little animal deaths as possible. So I will eat meat very sparingly. I feel so much more physically healthy. I am full of energy. But what will I expend that energy on? I generally just sit here alone. The energy can go into making productions. But as I keep saying, it is really difficult being almost your only source of media. I can't just turn on the television when I want to veg out. I need something meaningful that can direct my life. My work accomplishes that but there is still so much down time. I can't spend all of my time making productions. I am beginning to sound like a broken record. I keep repeating myself. But it is a repetition that drills into my psychology and makes me crazy.

I fail at everything that I do. Doing this with my life has not succeeded at me making friends. It does not accomplish its purpose. Most of what I get is people preaching at me. And they do so behind their text wall. They don't make a video to share things with me face to face. Few people have good typing abilities. Their English is all broken. And they expect me to take them seriously when they did not even correct themselves for errors. People lack the ability to effectively interact with others in this world. I am communicating with an unintelligent lifeform. They invest themselves into their preoccupations that have no meaningful impact on their lives. I am more evolved than they are, more articulate, more abstract, more peaceful, and more beautiful. I shine in a world that ignores me. But that doesn't stop me from shining.

Maybe I should stop begging for friends and just learn to be content with my lonely life. I have only made one friend by doing all of this. The hearts that I am looking for just are not out there. Why should I have to beg for friends? Am I not a cool person. Is it not true that anyone would be fortunate to have me as a friend? They are the ones missing out. Sure, I miss out too but I probably would not want them as a friend. I don't understand the hearts of the people who watch me suffer from loneliness and do not reach out. The only answer is that they are not people who I would want in my life. My work acts like a filter to remove the people who would not be good for my life. And maybe that is all of them.

I am a very unique person in this world. I am not like the others. Maybe it is difficult for the population to relate with me because we are so different. Maybe this work can never get popular because only few people will ever understand it. It was built for me and I am a freak of nature. So how can anyone empathise with my world since my world is so different to their own? Maybe I can't find friends because I am so different from the populace. And maybe I can't find friends because there are so few people out there who are driven by their hearts. I don't just want any friend! I want compassionate and loving unique individuals to call my friends. Maybe finding that is a really huge task because so few people think with their heart now days. This isn't to say the task is impossible. It just has a very high degree of difficulty to it.

But I am doing the right thing getting my voice out there. I am sifting through many people each day. The more people that I can reach, the higher my chances are at finding them. For the most part, I have given up on looking for a wife. If I can't even find friends, what chances do I have at finding a wife? I need to focus my life around discovering content producing friends. I need to encourage those with big hearts to document their own lives. The friends that I seek live with open hearts. I am not just asking anyone to be my friend. That would be dangerous for me. The friends that I am looking for are people that develop a connection with my content. They are the ones who spend a lot of time watching my work. I want people to get to know me through my work. And I want people to come to me with any related questions that they might have.

Christians have been harassing me. They keep on telling me that I am going to Hell. They won't leave me alone. I keep telling them to get off my channel. No wonder they keep claiming that they are the most persecuted group. Because they won't stop harassing people. I am obviously not open to the idea of having a god in my life. Then why won't they leave me alone? This channel is not about collective ideology. Then why won't they stop trying to spread it? They litter my comments sections with rubbish. What they are preaching is unwanted. This is not a religious piece of work. This is philosophy. I don't want to be anywhere near these toxic ideologies. The pursuit of religion does not help you in the formation of your moral alignment. Philosophy does that. All that being religious accomplishes in life is turning you into an ass.

I know that I complain about not having friends a lot but good friends in this world are hard to come by. I don't just want anyone as my friend. Finding hearts in this world is difficult. Opening myself up to just anyone will cause me unnecessary pain. I need to protect my heart. There are very few out there with good intentions. It is better not having friends than having bad friends. I beg for friends but I am not begging just anyone to become my friend. I am only looking for people with hearts that are in good shape. I want someone who can strive for the ideals of friendship. Someone to be a role model to me. But most of what I find are ignorant and arrogant people. People that I have no chance at teaching anything because their beliefs blind them to the truth. I don't want heartless people watching my videos and I try my best to filter them out.

Why are most of the comments that I receive negative? Is my work not thought provoking enough to engage positively with me? Why is everybody trying to judge me? Do I not live life to their idealised requirements? They try to give me bad solutions to my problems but refrain from being my friend. All I lack in life is friends so I go to the Internet to try and make them. These people watch me suffer and comment on my suffering, but do not extend their own hand. They expect me to take advice from random strangers without an invitation to become friends. And their thoughts are never unique. They follow a collective mindset. They are trying to push their toxic ideologies on a philosophy channel committed to world peace. Christians can never have world peace. Their doctrine does not allow peace between different ideologies. They are in a war and they are trying to pull you into it. I don't want to take sides in this unjust war so I will stay away from that. But it is difficult when people won't stop pushing their flawed world-view in your face.

This is my channel and my blog. It propagates my ideology. If you want to discuss my thoughts, then do so. Do not come to my personal space and preach to me about something unrelated to the material. If you want to preach, start a YouTube channel and preach and allow people with similar thoughts to come to you. Do not invade my fantasy land with your own biased opinions. You cannot just enter a community and break all the rules of that community. I am trying to create a community. I don't want that community exposed to toxic ways of thinking through my platforms. I am trying to create a utopian society. In order to do that the society must not involve themselves in worldly divisions such as religion. We can never work as one force if it is always us versus them.