alone in the dark

Paradise for me is doing exactly what I am doing but having lots of friends while doing it. I am doing what I want to in life. But there are large gaps of time in between when I am doing something meaningful. I am obsessed with meaning and when I am bored with nothing to do, I go crazy. I don't want to fill my life with useless things such as games. I want to spend my life interacting with other people about life. But I struggle to find people interested in becoming my friend. I only have one friend in this world and I only recently met him. He was being nostalgic about friendships and asked me about mine. I have not had any that stuck around. I used to have a high school friend but I no longer keep in contact with him. And my ex-wife was my friend for nine years. That is my experience with friendships.

I always imagine friendships as being something divine, something in which two people team up together in this life. A friend is someone who you can count on to be there for you in your future. They are role models for you because they exhibit traits that you admire. They live out your life with you. But I am so alone. I can't find people to speak with about meaning. No one is interested in talking about the subjects that I engage in. I make video after video and blog post after blog post giving my heart trying to find friends. But all I can find in this world is silence. Not my phone going off telling me other people are engaging with these subjects. I feel so alone and isolated. These are the most important topics that I can conceive of. Shouldn't the public be designating some time to spend exploring then?

Why do people not want to contact me? Am I intimidating? Do I put people off in some way? I am a content producer that can be contacted! How many do that? People can freely enter my life if they so desire. I have created a public space for anyone who is interested in further exploring philosophy and film. The structure is all there just waiting to be used. I am interested in creating the community. But there is no community. It is just me. Me against the harsh world that doesn't care. Finding compassionate people is a really difficult task. Mostly I find weirdos that do not have good intentions. The world is devoid of meaning. And the world is devoid of people creating meaning. Just me forever seeking. Seeking for meaning outside of myself. Because the only meaning that I can seem to find in today's world is from myself.

Where are the people that create meaning in their own lives? How much meaning can you create as a private person? Your life lacks meaning but you are just too stupid to see it. Or maybe you realise this but are so accustomed to the meaningless ways of the world that you are conditioned to it. You act the ways that the world acts. You know nothing outside of the world because you didn't spend the time examining your life. Your internal world is spent in the external world. You give yourself to worldly pursuits that offer you personally, no benefit. You don't record your own thoughts because you don't have any thoughts interesting enough to share. Congratulations. You are a normal person.

I am in the opposite situation as you. You live your life around external media. I live my life around internal media. I was unable to find truly meaningful work in the external world. So I obsessively made myself wholesome content. If I couldn't experience meaning in my environment, then I would create it. But doing this has isolated me from the world. I follow very little external media in this world. I am mostly running on my own fumes. My internal world is rich and full of wisdom, but my external world is lonely and isolated. You on the other hand likely invest entirely in external media. There is a sweet spot between experiencing your own content and the content of others. I want to experience a lot more external content. But there is no one out there who has the ability to entertain me. So I beg and I beg for you to become a content creator, but all I ever hear is crickets.

I created a fake open source university and acted as the philosophy professor for ten years. I tried very hard to convince other people to teach at my school. I advertised with all the money I could afford and nothing ever became of it. There were no volunteers to become an online teacher. Why is it so hard for people to do the right thing? The right thing is for you to start documenting your thoughts immediately. Stop watching meaningless entertainment and focus your attention only on what has meaning. That is what is so good about my work. It is full of meaning. And I can become a large part of your entertainment solution. Use me to entertain yourself to wean yourself off mainstream entertainment. My work is wholesome and good for you. Take your medicine and learn how to create meaning in your own life.

My dog has been so good for my mental health. Since I got her, I stopped wanting to kill myself. I have another to look after now. I can't waste my thoughts on suicide. But just because I no longer want to kill myself doesn't mean that I am not suffering. Having a dog just makes life a lot better. Before her, I had nothing in my life. I didn't care about it because there was nothing. I made destructive decisions that made my life even more miserable. At least now I have direction. Having a dog motivated me to make the most out of my private life. Even though I am alone, I always have her sitting next to me. If you think I am crazy now, you should have seen me before I had a dog.

I love life. I just don't love sitting here and being bored. I love what I do, I just don't enjoy the down time. I am the person that I want to be and I live where I want to live. So many things in life are so good for me. I just lack regular human connection. If I could just find friends then that would solve all of my problems. But friends are so hard to find. It's so much easier finding creeps. I would be on top of the world if I were only a social butterfly. If I were only famous then maybe I could reach enough people to live an active social life. This is the dream. How to make it a reality is the difficult part. But maybe if I just keep on advertising and releasing new work then I might reach the people that I desire to have in my life.

It is always fun recording my thoughts through text or video. But after that process is completed, I am left with emptiness. I don't know what to do so I do nothing. Writing is better than video because it can occupy more of your time. But I have a limit on the amount of information that I can express. I can't be stuck expressing my thoughts all day. I need to divide my time into other activities. But what activities can be meaningful? What can I do with my time that would be worthwhile? The answer is nothing. I am back to relying on people as my entertainment source. But I know that I cannot control the actions of other people. So what do I do with my time if I cannot rely on other people to give me the time of day? That is the million dollar question. Or maybe the question could be reworded. How can I convince you to be my friend?