very human

I have nothing to say. I am just bored and don't know what to do. My life is so boring. Hardly anyone ever contacts me. It is strange since I have lived as a public person for the last fourteen years. It means my efforts accomplished nothing. I am exactly where I was before all of this started. But I am doing something new this time. I am writing a blog just for me. Sure it is public, but I remain hidden from society. I can do whatever I want and no one will notice. I live as a ghost within society. Nobody can see me. But I know that I exist because I have to endure the concept of time.

How can I go beyond wanting a partner in life? Is this really the conclusion to my story? Just a guy who makes tons of content because he has nothing better to do. But my content is meaningful. It drives my day to day life. It guides me through an unknown world. I am a solitary individual and I have lived that way most of my life. There is no woman responsible for my accomplishments. That was all me. Maybe induced by psychosis guided by an imaginary woman, but that is all she was, imaginary. I was the one who made all those videos and wrote all those books. Sure, I was motivated by the conception of a perfect woman, but there was never any perfect woman in existence. It was all in my head. I was the one responsible for my own creations.

But if I have only reached one heart after fourteen years of activity, then maybe I am not very good at my job. I failed to reach the youth. My goal was to inspire our youth to take philosophy seriously in their lives. That I did not do. I did amuse a bunch of haters. I acted as a pinata for those to insult me. I moved very few souls with my sentiments. That means that I am probably very bad at my job. But I am still a philosopher. Even if I am a bad philosopher. I have more work available than any philosopher in history. I have created more work than all of them. And maybe my philosophy didn't work out in my life because it was reliant on other people. But there is still time. I am not dead yet. I can create a new philosophy that only requires myself for success.

How can we measure success? If people read or watch it? To what extent did I fail? Just because it reached very few eyes doesn't mean the content isn't valuable. Very few people in this world have a mouthpiece to speak. I am no different. I don't have a following. And creating a following seems impossible. Anyways, that is problems of history. Now I sit here on my blog not caring if anybody else reads this. This is an entirely different format than I have used in my past. I just talk here and see where it leads. I like doing this a lot. I can see myself building this blog to be very large. It is how I want to spend my time in the future.

Notifications on my phone have failed me. They have failed to provide me regular entertainment. So what am I going to do if I have no notifications to regularly check? Revolve my life around this blog. Use it to express myself and clarify my ideas. It will lead me through life because it is honest with its feelings. Just because I failed in my philosophy doesn't mean that I can't make another philosophy to live by. A solitary philosophy that guides my life as a single individual. So I wasn't able to find love in this life. So what can I become as one? What are my limits as one person? What heights can I reach just being me?

Maybe I should stop trying to reach heights and just live out the rest of my life content in who I am. Heights would involve creating a following and I have already proved incapable of doing that. And this blog is the end of my journey. And it will probably only ever be read by few. So I am not concerned about reaching people with this diary. But I can still reach personal heights without the content being experienced by others. This dialogue in which I have with myself is helpful to the development of my life. It gives me perspective on my failed life. But my life only failed because I expected myself to be able to find a mate. If I remove this expectation then my life is no longer a failure.

Ultimately it is me that deems my life a success or failure. Others regularly tell me that my life is a failure but they are speaking rubbish because only the individual in question can determine whether their life was a success or failure. My life was a success because it created me. And I trust myself to handle any situation with care and particularity. The result is me and I am a really cool guy. So what if the things that I tried to do failed. That does not mean that I am a failure because I still have the end product: myself. I created me and I am very proud of me. I did everything that I could as one individual. I just can't control others so it was difficult to find others receptive. But that is not my problem. I am only in control of myself.

I have a talent to be able to just sit down and write or make videos. I don't need a topic to discuss. I will find the topics when I get there. I can also make a great deal of work, so much so that it would be difficult for anyone to keep up with me. I am a content creation beast. And my content is meaningful. I am talking about problems that effect us all, although some more than others. But these are very human problems. I don't know how this diary can help other people in their lives but I know that this diary is better to consume than mainstream media. My work is good for the soul. And it is not afraid to ask the difficult questions. So even though this blog has no intended audience, I still think it provides good information that can help people in their daily life struggles.

I might be an extreme version of human but I still represent human. I might be very different from my peers but the problems I face are very human problems. Many will laugh at my unfortunate circumstances but if they did not laugh then they would cry. They are confusing different emotions. Those who laugh at me have not yet learned what it means to be human. If they continued with my work then maybe their laughs would turn to tears. Or maybe facing what it means to be human is scary so we laugh it off instead of facing these problems head on. Or maybe we need some tears in our life to fully understand what it means to be human. Maybe they can laugh so hard that they cry and then I would have accomplished my job. Tears are not for the faint of heart. They are only for real humans.