an example

Holidays are always the most difficult for me. Everything is closed, people hibernate, YouTubers go on break, so what is there for me to do? The answer is a lot of nothing. No people to enjoy time with, nothing to watch, no people to talk to, and nothing to do. People who are integrated into society don't know how good they have it with relationships. Some people in this world have no relationships. Some people just float never really knowing what to do next or what can achieve themselves relationships. When holidays come around everybody situates themselves close to their loved ones. No wonder I do not celebrate holidays. I don't have any loved ones to share it with.

I do have one friend on the Internet. He is a really nice guy. But he doesn't talk to me daily. Maybe weekly. There is a lot left wanting in the friendship. But he is my only friend in this world. He watches my videos and hopefully he will read this blog. He is a really nice guy and he likes my work a lot. Out of all of my work, he is the only friend I made. And I only recently met him. I hope he sticks around and doesn't eventually tire of me like everybody else does.

I just made a video on my YouTube advertising this blog. But I did not just give them the URL. I said if they wanted to access my blog then they would have to email me requesting it, which I think is fair enough. I don't want everyone seeing this blog. This will sift out the randoms and only bring in serious people, if it brings anyone in at all. It is probably unlikely that anyone will email me about it but at least I put the option out there. I want the people that seriously follow me to be able to continue to follow me, albeit in a different format. If someone really cares about my life it doesn't matter if the information is in video or text. They are similar styles so it would probably be very easy to go from video to text.

I don't even know why someone would want to follow this blog. It is the conclusion to a failed life. I can't be a teacher anymore because nothing I have done in life has been successful. I am not even a good role model because I lack social connections in my life. So I can't be an example of what it means to be a friend or a lover or a father. I have failed all of these categories in my life. I can be an example of a social isolate. I can be the best hermit I can be. And I can also inspire other hermits to be the best that they can be.

Being the best one can be is independent of romantic love. I can be the best I can be without another in my life. Although, what I can become without another in my life is restricted. But I can still be the best at the areas of my life that are important to me. My moral fabric is independent of a romance. These are parts of me that exist independent of any potential women. So what if my experiences are solitary. My experiences are rich because I make them so by crafting my own entertainment. In this way I can guide and direct my life to the best possible situation. And so what if that best possible situation is alone? I experience great amounts of meaning in my life because I make it so.

And so what if I can't offer society anything. I can offer them perspective, which they will reject. But who says you have to be successful in life? Most people in this world are not successful. I am a failed philosopher. But I am still a philosopher. And that is more than most people can say. What does society really want from me anyways? They no longer care if I have a job. They have no expectations from me. So by me producing content I am already giving society more than they are asking for from me. So is this my fate? Just continue writing about my miserable life until my heart stops beating?

I need to learn how to be a whole individual by myself. I have always thought myself as half a person looking for his other half. But I never found her so I just stumbled through life as half a person. But I can become whole in myself. I don't need another to satisfy my desires. I can just retreat further into my mind. The more work that I make, the less I am bored. The more that I get to experience my inner self, who I look for reflected in another. The truth is that I am my own soul mate. I am in love with myself. I can make meaning where there once was none. I can satisfy my own emotional and intellectual desires. I don't need another to hold my hand in this life because my hands are occupied typing this.

But I only type this because I have no one to give my time. I am made of time and no one else wants to use me. Time is all I have to give but I have found the most rewarding use of this time writing or making videos. I don't want to spend my time on meaningless activities. And I have no activities that provide meaningful connections. But I do have activities that weave meaning into the fabric of my universe. Whenever I die nobody will be able to say that I did not live a meaningful life. I constructed the meaning before me. I saw very little to no meaning in the world around me and it bothered me so. What was I going to do with all of this disorganised information? Documenting one's thoughts and feelings is a very powerful tool.

The world is messy. There is so much toxicity. Very few people strive to be moral individuals. Even though I failed in my life's goals, why would that exclude me from being a role model? I am an individual that failed but I failed with passion. And my life isn't over so we will see how I handle the future. I cannot stand as an example of a good husband or a good father. But I can stand as an example of a very lonely philosopher. It is time for me to stop trying to be what I want to be and instead just be what I am. It is what it is. There was no happy ending for me. But most people don't get a happy ending. Life and death are in fact, very sad. So let me stand as the philosopher that tried to obtain everything but only ever ended up obtaining himself.